Why can’t I do it?
“I just need to go to bed earlier. I’ve tried, but it just doesn’t happen.”
My client was visibly frustrated with himself. He shared that it wasn’t a matter of willpower or drive. With young children, the early hours of the day required patience and leadership, to get everyone ready for school and work. Getting to bed an hour earlier would help him wake up refreshed, before his children, able to take a moment to center himself before the chaos of the morning set in. He knew he would be a better partner, better father, and better professional if he could face the morning on his terms, rested and focused.
“I know why I want to make this change. So why can’t I do it?”
“Let’s take a step back,” I said. “How are you spending that hour in the evening now, if you’re not going to bed?”
He shared a bit about his typical evenings. After the kids were tucked in, he would read, catch up on sports, do a few odds and ends chores. It wasn’t just one habit he needed to kick, it was one of a number of different activities.
Suddenly, he paused.
“Wait, I see it now. That window of time, after everyone else has gone to bed, that’s the only time when it’s quiet and I can do things for myself. Otherwise, I’m doing things with others, or for others. I need that time for myself.”
Now we were on to something. He wasn’t just shifting a habit or adding something to his routine. He was trying to force himself to give up something important, something he highly valued.
Have you ever been in a situation like this?
We try to force ourselves to change all the time.
Fill in the blank: If only I were more ___ (or did more ___ or did less ___), then I would ___.
We read books, buy apps, get new notebooks and journals, block windows on our calendar, or cover the bathroom mirror with sticky notes. We try to change ourselves, and often it doesn’t work.
Sometimes it’s because we’re not clear on what we really want to change, and why we want to change.
Often, it’s because we’re not clear what we are asking ourselves to give up, what we’ll be sacrificing if we make this change.
Sound familiar?
Try this:
Start with Why
What (specifically) is the change you want to make, and why do you want to make this change? Be as specific as you can. How will you know you’re successful? What difference will you experience in your life?
Identify what you’re giving up
To make space in our life for a new habit or a new activity, we’re likely giving something up. What is it? What are you doing now, instead of the change you’d like to see? Perhaps, like my client, it’s multiple things. Take some time to be honest with yourself about what you’re doing now that would need to go away, decrease, or change, to make space for the new thing you want to be doing.
Next, take a moment to notice what you gain out of the activity or activities that you need to stop or change. Specifically, what benefit do those provide for you? They must do something for you, or you wouldn’t be doing them. This is a place to lean into your values and priorities.
Decide how you’re going to get that value somewhere else
Perhaps you can create that value in the change you want to make. Perhaps you can build it into another activity. Find a way to make the sacrifice you’re trying to make less of a sacrifice, ideally turning the loss of the old into an even bigger gain in the future.
Ultimately, my client went on to carve out 2 hours each week to focus on himself, no obligation to anyone else. Knowing when and how he’d get the personal time he craved, going to bed earlier became a much easier proposition. Not only is he more rested when he starts his day, he’s better equipped to get his family off to a great start and show up well himself in his professional work. Plus, he’s using his dedicated personal time with more intention and finding it even more rewarding than those late nights when he was tired and distracted. A win-win.
What change are you making in your life? How can you remove the obstacles in your path by shifting how you’re getting the value you need?
Will you let me know?
Send me a message and let me know. I’d love to hear from you.
April 16, 2026
About the author:
Christina Von Stroh is a leadership coach who helps her clients become wildly successful by applying iterative software development practices to achieve their dreams. Want to work with Christina to help you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
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