Do you like broccoli?
I love roasted broccoli.
What’s not to love - roasting brings out the natural sweetness of the broccoli (much like steaming does), but those crunchy brown bits have a lovely texture and even more yummy sweetness.
My young niece, on the other hand, wasn’t convinced.
I often make roasted broccoli for family meals - it’s easy to make a large quantity, and with a simple salt and pepper seasoning, it goes with any kind of main dish.
When I first started encouraging my niece to try what I loved so much, she was resistant.
I’d place a scoop of deliciousness onto her plate, and she wouldn’t eat it. Or she would try it and make a face, complain, or resist. If I was lucky, she’d eat a tiny piece of the brighter green parts.
She was definitely doing everything she could to exert control over the situation.
So over time, my tactics changed. I would ask her to pick which pieces I would put on her plate. I would show her that the larger pieces had more of the brighter green parts, while the smaller pieces had the delicious carmelized crown. Sometimes, when I pulled the trays out of the oven to rotate them mid-way through cooking, I would have her pick out a handful to set aside at that point, to avoid more browning.
And, do you know what, it worked! She now loves roasted broccoli almost as much as I do. And now she doesn’t even avoid the charred parts anymore.
Turns out she just needed a little bit of agency in the situation.
Has this ever happened to you?
Whether we’re leading the precious little ones in our life, staff who report to us, or leading through influence, it’s easy to try to control the situation, especially when the stakes are high.
When the product launch has to go well or the funding will get cut, we micro-manage every detail of the launch plan.
When we know the higher-ups will catch any mistake, we scrutinize every slide of our direct report’s presentation deck.
When we invite a discerning friend over for dinner, we re-clean everything our family already cleaned, hoping everything looks perfect.
It’s human nature to want to exert control when the stakes are high.
And yet, things often go awry when we try to exert control over other people. Maybe it works for a time, but it often leads to resistance, resentment, or rejection. Over the long run, things get worse. And the cycle continues.
But when we truly lead, rather than control, and give those we’re leading more agency, the results almost always improve.
The team achieves more.
The direct report surprises you with their initiative.
The child starts eating the broccoli on her own.
But giving agency can go awry. The team could go off track, your direct report may deprioritize the important deliverable, or the child may just refuse to eat her vegetables.
So how can we maximize the chance that agency will give us the results we’re looking for?
Try these steps:
Start with your own expectations
Before you can lead others, you need to lead yourself. That starts with being crystal clear with yourself about your own expectations. What are you expecting of this team or this individual? What does success look like? How will you be assessing whether goals are met?
Perhaps you’re going to send a delegate to a meeting in your stead. Is success ensuring your team isn’t given any new obligations, or influencing the outcome in a particular direction? Maybe you’re sending your teenager to the grocery store to get ingredients for dinner. What, specifically, will you be expecting them to return with?
Communicate the goal and any constraints
Having expectations or knowing about constraints won’t do your team or delegate any good if you don’t share them clearly. Make sure you’re all on the same page about the definition of success for any key risks or constraints that will impact the outcome.
Maybe your team is working towards a specific revenue target. Have you been clear about the expense amount they can’t go over? Perhaps you’re empowering your school-aged child to clean their room. Are you both clear that a clean room includes a made bed, nothing on the floor, and clothes hung up or in drawers?
Give the team space, and a way to check in
This requires a little goldilocks finesse - you want to give the team (or individual) enough space to act autonomously and make their own choices, but not so much space they get off track. When in doubt, have the conversation with them about how you’ll check in and where they have freedom.
Perhaps you’re giving one of your direct reports a stretch assignment. Are you clear about what they need to bring to you for input/direction, and how often they’ll share their progress? Maybe your partner is planning your upcoming vacation. Do they know where you’ll want to be involved in the planning, and how much notice you’ll want about the details?
When we’re leading others, whether through direct authority or influence, it’s easy to over index towards maintaining control over allowing others to have autonomy. Getting clear on our own expectations first, communicating our goals and constraints, and giving the others space and a clear way to check in can make the difference in a successful, empowered outcome.
Who are you leading right now?
Would they say they feel autonomy?
Should we talk?
You’re here. You want to be there. I can help.
Book time, and we’ll figure out how to get you unstuck and get going.
How will you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
August 28, 2025
About the author:
Christina Von Stroh is a leadership coach who helps her clients become wildly successful by applying iterative software development practices to achieve their dreams. Want to work with Christina to help you iterate towards the person you’re becoming?
Book your free strategy session.
